November 13, 2009

From my upcoming book with McClelland and Stewart:


I think a father should teach his son how to wear a suit. It’s the outfit a man will wear to nearly every major rite of passage in his life, right to the bitter end. What do you think you'll wear when you’re dead? Your preferences won’t matter because there’s a good chance your survivors will put you in a suit. Graduation, marriage, job interview. Got caught embezzling? You were probably wearing a suit when you allegedly committed the crime and you’ll wear one when you stand trial.

Okay, let’s say you put in your will you don’t want to wear a matching top and bottom the day you are sent of to the hereafter – what do you think your memorializers will don? Ashes and rags? And let’s say you stipulate you don’t want people to wear a suit at your funeral service, well, what kind of jerk are you, any way? Here’s a rule in life, never deny people the chance to dress up. It shows a meaness of spirit.

Besides, if the men dress up, so do the women. Even at a funeral, women look hot in black. Men should note navy blue, really dark midnight blue and really dark grey are currently considered more tasteful in situations of mourning unless whilst attending the funeral of Yves St. Laurent.

When you attend one that is not your own, you don’t want to appear as Death himself or Karl Lagerfeld. You are not the undertaker. Wearing a black shirt with a black tie and a black suit should only be reserved for the person who double-tapped the deceased with a Heckler and Koch USP 9mm, one in the chest and one in the head.

Capiche?

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